The X-Men Present: Tangled
by Claire's Demons
Summary: The X-Men (and guest stars) are forced to be in yet another crazy parody. Format courtesy of Chellerbelle.
1. Chapter 1

**The X-Men Present: Tangled**

**Chapter 1**

**What? Too many parodies, you say? Well, I need somewhere to channel my insanity, don't I? Otherwise, SilverShadowWriter is going to kill me (or the other way around). And anyway, once this idea hit my loony brain, I couldn't get it away from me… Enjoy yet another wacko production from the mind of Claire's Demons! BWAHAHA! ;3**

**I love Tangled! Best movie ever! Ah, Disney, you did good with this.**

* * *

This is the story of how I died.

* * *

'YAY!'

Rogue glared at Bobby, who looked slightly fearful.

**Rogue used Mean Look! It was super effective! Bobby fainted!**

Remy coughed pointedly. 'Geeks…'

**Says the Cajun closet Trekkie! Hey, that kind of has a ring to it! Oh wait, you didn't want anybody to know about that, did you? Well, I'm very sorry for mentioning it, I'm very sorry for mentioning it here, and I'm also very sorry I'm mentioning it over and over again, and I'm also very-**

'LALALA!' shouted Remy, stuffing his fingers into his ears. 'Here comes the bride, big, fat and wide, I can't hear you lalala!'

**I'm pretty sure the next line was 'See how she wobbles from side to side!'**

'ABCDEFG, gummy bears are chasing me, I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!'

**Really? Maybe I should raise my volume then. Oh and uh Remy? You got your lyrics messed up. It's supposed to be 'One is red, one is blue, one is peeing on my shoe!' OW!**

Jean raised an eyebrow and said mildly, 'Oops. Looks like my aim is off. I wasn't intending to knock her out with that table lamp.'

**Well, turning into an insane cosmic bird that calls itself Phoenix is generally bad for one's eyesight and sharpshooting skills.**

'How are you still talking? You should've been dead faint by now. Wait… I don't really want to know.'

**I am the wind, I am the snowfall. I am everywhere.**

Silver Surfer popped his head in. 'Hey, that's _my_ line!'

**Oh, sheesh! What are you even doing here? You're not even in this story! And why are you so out of character? GO! SHOO! **

**Onwards with the story!**

* * *

This story isn't even about me. It's about an amazing, wonderful, talented, gorgeous, perfect girl called Rogue. She had emerald eyes so dazzling that anyone looking into them would be instantly entranced.

* * *

**CUT! Enough with the sappiness, I'm dying of fluff poisoning!**

* * *

Anyway, a long time ago, a drop of sunlight fell to Earth.

* * *

'Sunlight isn't matter,' said Kitty.

**Um… Quantum mechanics… Cats… Uhm, waffles… SHEEP! SHEEP ARE THE ANSWER!**

* * *

From this single drop, a flower grew.

It was a magical flower, able to cure any illness and heal anyone.

Oh, see that old woman sidling up to the flower? Her name's Raven. Remember her. She'll be important later.

Just a boat ride and a stone's throw away was a kingdom.

* * *

**Well, I wasn't expecting the Death Star.**

* * *

It was ruled by the much-beloved King Logan and Queen Ororo.

* * *

'Oooooh,' went the kids in the room.

**Hey Badger, you know that vein in the middle of your forehead? It turns green when you're mad! So cool!**

* * *

They had no children, although they wanted an heir.

* * *

'Logan is sterile or something?'

**Hey, that's mean.**

'I'm so hurt, Gumbo, I feel like cutting you up into tiny little pieces,' snarled Logan. Aforementioned vein was pulsing again.

* * *

And one fine day, the queen got pregnant. The monarchs were very happy.

But the queen got sick.

Really, really sick.

The news of her illness united her subjects, and they all went off looking for the magical flower.

Now, Raven had been abusing the flower's power for centuries, using it to make herself young again. All she had to do was sing a magical song.

_Flower, gleam and glow…_

_Let your power shine._

_Make the clock reserve;_

_Bring back what once was mine._

_Heal what has been hurt,_

_Change the fates' design._

_Save what has was lost_

_Bring back what once was mine._

_What once was mine…_

Yeah, she sings to it and she becomes young. Creepy, I know.

It just so happened that one night, just as she had finished her croon, she heard guards nearing her location. Quickly, she slammed a cover made of leaves and twigs over the enchanted blossom. However, as she began to run, she knocked the cover off by accident and it rolled far, far away. There was no time. She had but one choice: escape.

She managed to avoid detection, but the flower was lost to her as the swarms of people took it away.

Raven seethed silently, vowing to get it back.

* * *

**My Precioussssssssss…**

* * *

With the power of the magical bud, the queen regained her health and gave birth to a baby girl. They named her Rogue, and had a golden tiara made specially for her. It fit just perfectly, and looked beautiful on the baby princess.

In honour of the event, the king and queen released floating lanterns into the sky. The entire land celebrated the joyous event, and for that one moment, everything was perfect.

Until Raven took the child.

She sneaked into the fortress one night and, lifting some of Rogue's beautiful long hair, sang her song and began to cut off a few blonde strands.

* * *

Rogue sighed. 'Go on, start the dumb blonder jokes. It sucks that I'm stuck with this wig for-'

**Shh. Wouldn't want to give anything away.**

* * *

However, as soon as the blades of her scissors began to chop off the girl's hair, it dulled and rapidly and the lock in Raven's fingers turned brown.

Raven swore.

Logan was woken to the sound of his child crying. Hurrying to the cot, he saw Rogue in the clutches of an old crone, standing on the balcony and laughing.

With a sweep of her cloak, she was gone.

* * *

**Black, long, weird-looking cloaks can make you teleport, apparently. And they're pretty cheap on eBay too! **

'…' was the general response.

* * *

_17 long years later_

Pyro giggled madly as he turned a shade of brown. Literally.

The chameleon pressed himself flat against a flowerpot as Rogue peeked out of the window.

'Well, I suppose that little rascal can't be in here,' she said merrily, eyes darting around the place.

Just as he thought it was safe and slithered out to check, he was grabbed by the tail and hauled into the air.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!' his mouth was open in a silent scream.

'That's 22 for me.'

Pyro scowled in an adorable way, making Rogue laugh at his antics.

'Come on!'

Whirling around the tiny room at the top of the tower in a flurry of pink skirts, she began to sing.

* * *

Logan groaned and covered his ears.

**TURN THE VOLUME TO THE MAX!**

* * *

_7 AM, the usual morning lineup:_

_Start on the chores and sweep 'til the floor's all clean_

_Polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up_

_Sweep again, and by then it's like 7:15._

* * *

Evan rolled his eyes.

'She can do all that in 15 minutes? Are you sure Rapunzel isn't Pietro?' eliciting an evil laugh from Wanda, who was probably planning to stuff her brother into a pink silk frock and publicly humiliate him.

* * *

_And so I'll read a book_

_Or maybe two or three_

_I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery_

_I'll play guitar and knit_

_And cook and basically_

_Just wonder when will my life begin?_

_Then after lunch it's puzzles and darts and baking_

_Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess_

_Pottery and ventriloquy, candle making_

_Then I'll stretch, maybe sketch, take a climb,_

_Sew a dress!_

* * *

'Man, if this was fanfiction, she'd be accused of being a Mary Sue.'

**This ****_is _****fanfiction.**

**-ERROR- -Break in fourth wall detected- -Universe about to combust and fold in on itself- -OKAY, WHO DIVIDED BY ZERO?-**

* * *

_And I'll reread the books_

_If I have time to spare_

_I'll paint the walls some more,_

_I'm sure there's room somewhere._

_And then I'll brush and brush,_

_And brush and brush my hair_

_Stuck in the same place I've always been._

_And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin'_

_And wonderin' and wonderin'_

_When will my life begin?_

_And tomorrow night,_

_Lights will appear_

_Just like they do on my birthday each year._

_What is it like?_

_Out there where they glow?_

_Now that I'm older,_

_Mother might just_

_Let me go..._

* * *

Rogue, who had been turned severely cynical from her past experiences, added, 'Fat chance, I tell you. This is Mystique we're talking about. Gee, why doesn't Rapunzel just waltz right out of the tower or strangle Mother Gothel with that braid? Insanely long hair has got to be good for _something_, right? Other than breeding lice, that is.'

**Shush you! Don't destroy my childhood like that! This is Disney! Disney never makes any sense in their movies! I mean, who the hell manages to recover from a poisoned apple merely by sitting up? DAT LOGIC!**

'Don't even get me started on _Up._'

**Pshaw, maybe I should force you and Remy to cast for that movie.**

'Oh… Damn…'

* * *

The girl collapsed onto her four-poster bed in a heap of golden waves. She stroked her pet with one finger as she stared up at the domed ceiling of the only place she'd ever known, thinking hard about her plans for her immediate future.

'Today's a big day, Pyro…'

* * *

_Somewhere a boat ride and a stone's throw away_

'Today's a big day, gentlemen!' These fine words came from the mouth of one Remy LeBeau.

Fellow criminals Sabretooth and Blob Stabbington grunted greedily as they heard that fateful sentence. Indeed, it would completely change their lives, in ways they couldn't ancipitate.

* * *

Sabes growled in a very disgruntled, very amusing manner. 'Do I get to beat the dumb Cajun up?'

**Yes, you do, and you will shortly meet your death at Rogue's hands. Doesn't that sound great!**

'Pah!' he muttered. 'I could take a puny little girl like that any day.'

Rogue pulled off one of her gloves and stared him straight in the face.

**You go, girl.**

* * *

'We're going to be rich!' yelled Remy, furiously egging his steed on as it dashed across the bridge leading to the majestic palace- where his loot lay.

'Drop me in, but _slowly,_' he said to his rather dim-witted accomplices, looping the end of a rope around his waist when they'd climbed to the top of the tower. The guards surrounding their destination were easy to evade, thanks to Remy's skill and the fact that most of the patrols were slacking.

The twin thugs gradually lowered the rope, and Remy stretched his hands out for the glittering tiara on the pedestal; it was so close, almost within his clutches-

'Atischoo!' the lone soldier on lookout duty suddenly sneezed, startling the thief behind him. Remy felt himself begin to slip, but fortunately- or perhaps not for the treasure- was able to regain his grasp on the coarse rope.

'Hay fever?' he asked dryly. Why not have some fun while he was at it? Besides, there was no way he could be caught now. Soon he'd be away with his prize, never to be seen again- he was arrogant enough to assume that he was too good for the mediocre regiments of the kingdom, but as he'd soon learn, pride comes before a fall.

* * *

During this long, boring dissection of Remy's thoughts and personality, Logan had begun to roll his eyes repeatedly. With a snort, he commented, 'Still as cocky as ever, LeBeau.'

**Has anyone noticed that nobody ever calls Remy by his name? It's always LeBeau or Cajun or Bloody Moronic Arse. What's up with that, eh? I call him Remy, he calls himself Remy, and I'm pretty sure his adoptive aunt calls him Remy too.**

'Gee, maybe it's because 'bloody moronic arse' suits him better,' said Logan.

* * *

Without turning around, the sick sentry answered, 'Yeah. Sucks.'

When he realized his mistake, the proud thief had already been lifted to safety by the twins, and the sentinel's call for help came too late. Swarms of armored soldiers crowded into the crime scene, but the shadow-like burglar had already gone.

While the captain of the Royal Guards readied his men, the three criminals were already making their quick escape on foot, having abandoned their horses as the sound of their beasts' hooves would give them away. They weaved their speedy way through the dim woods, knowing the course well as they'd studied it carefully before carrying out their heist.

Remy laughed out loud, unable to contain his joy. 'Doesn't this just feel _great_, boys?'

But whatever happy fantasies he had about the prized tiara went pop like a bubble as the royal horses and hounds caught up to them. Sabretooth swore, Blob panted from the physical exertion and Remy was frantically praying to whatever gods would listen to his silent pleas.

* * *

'Yeah, about that. I don't think God would be very willing to help a kleptomaniac,' said the ever-cheery Rogue.

'You know you care for me.'

'You wish.'

**Look at the lovers bantering, oh how sweet. Um… Why are the both of you looking at me like that? Oh no no no no no, Rogue, put that glove back on, ****_NOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

* * *

Their attempts were futile, though; they soon came to a dead end. Staring down the stone wall as though it might give way, Remy was running out of ideas. 'Quick, hoist me up,' he ordered his minions, ahem, fellow thieves. 'I'll pull you over the edge.'

He knew he was in trouble when a dangerous glint appeared in Sabretooth's eye.

'Don't think so. Give us the satchel first.'

'I'm so wounded,' proclaimed Remy dramatically, putting his hand over his heart. 'After all this time, you still don't trust me?'

Sabes, however, was not taking any nonsense from the wily young man. 'The. Satchel. _Now.'_

'Fine,' muttered Remy, all charm gone. He threw his precious package to Blob and climbed up their backs, pulling himself up over the blockage. 'Now help us!' cried Sabes.

Remy grinned devilishly; the tables had turned, the odds were now in his favor.

Still with that wicked smirk on his face, he held up the satchel. Sabes immediately felt his belt for it, but his fears had been confirmed; that scumbag LeBeau had somehow nicked the tiara back.

He roared in rage and tried to haul himself up, but Blob's short legs gave way and both collapsed to the ground, cursing Remy.

At that moment, Remy was already long gone, still racing on through the forest. His heart pounded faster when he heard a voice behind him.

'Ride on, Scotty-boy!' roared the captain, urging his mount on.

* * *

'Is that who I think it is?' whispered Ororo in horror.

'WHY?! Out of all roles, why a HORSE?!' squeaked Scott. 'Stop making me squeak! It's all Sporks' fault anyway!' **(1)**

**Don't blame her! Everybody in this room right now thinks it's a great idea, except you, but you don't count, so HA!**

'I'm the Fearless Leader! I don't _squeak! _Also, you're supposed to be unconscious… Never mind, I give up trying to apply logic to your very existence.'

* * *

Just then, Remy had a _great_ idea.

* * *

'Did he decide to politely give back the crown and end this whole ridiculous story?' said Scott sarcastically, still sore about the squeaking.

* * *

Swinging up onto a hanging tree branch, he let the horse and its rider pass him before kicking the oblivious man off and hopping onto his new ride.

He thought it would be easy for him from then on. Horses didn't know loyalty, right? Well, he'd just steal the creature too and use it as his key to freedom.

What he didn't factor into his grand plan was that particular horse's intelligence and fiery temper. Scott reared up into the air, squealing, bucking like a rodeo bronco, trying to knock his new owner off. 'AAAAAAAA!' shouted an astonished Remy, as he went flying off with his grip still firmly planted on the reins. As a result, both went tumbling head-over-hills down a steep slope, bouncing on the dusty soil and rolling very far away from everyone else.

The momentum of their fall catapulted both onto a precariously balanced dead tree hanging off a steep cliff. The satchel somehow soared through the air and got tangled in a branch. Both Remy and Scott, having somewhat recovered their wits by then, scrambled for it, but knocked into each other again. The sudden uneven distribution of weight was too much for the poor tree roots, which were the only things holding it to the cliff face, and everything began to split apart.

Remy shrieked again as the whole structure practically rolled down the mountain. Air rushed past him as the ground loomed ever closer; danger was thick in the air and both could feel it.

_I can't die yet, not now. I haven't lived my life yet… I'm still young…_

There was nothing else to do but close his eyes and hope for the best.

* * *

**(1) One of Sporks' reviews inspired me to make Scott squeak forever****_! Forever! FOREVER! –_****echo-**

**Yeah, I know I introduced a character not from X-Men, but it was too funny a chance to pass up. Besides, this whole parody isn't even supposed to make sense.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

He squeezed his eyes shut before he could see himself hitting the-

And then, he slammed into the ground so hard he was knocked out. For a moment, anyway. It was a miracle he even managed to avoid death.

* * *

It appeared that some of the audience/cast/people in charge of throwing virtual tomatoes at the story weren't very happy to hear that our lovely thief had survived.

'Gambler's luck!'

'Why must fate be so kind to him? Please let it be that he broke a few limbs!'

'Grr...' (Translated from the low, angry-sounding sound coming from Logan's throat)

'COMBO BREAKER!' shouted Pyro.

* * *

Then he realized that he'd somehow landed on Scott's back. The animal was groaning and squeaking; he'd unfortunately fractured a rib or six when Remy's heavy weight had squashed him flat.

* * *

Kitty giggled, a note of sadism visible in her voice. 'Scott pancakes!'

'Still better than Kitty's pancakes,' Kurt whispered in a faint voice, turning slightly green.

* * *

Turning the horse's distraction to his advantage, Remy took the golden opportunity and dashed off in a random path, trusting his instincts. But Scott was up and fuming in a matter of minutes. No one ever escaped him, the prime steed of the royal stables. He would not let this lowly, common pickpocket evade his hooved grasps!

* * *

**Who would've thought Scotty was such a drama mama? Why not just say, 'He was going to haul Remy back to the castle by the hair!'**

'Don't touch the hair,' Remy preened while Rogue pretended to projectile-barf behind him.

'Scott Squeaking Summers, the horse with the fancy monologues,' remarked Bobby.

* * *

Remy heard the ferocious thumping of horse feet on the ground behind him. Hurriedly, he leapt into a patch of hanging vines, and hid behind the emerald cover. The horse's silhouette was clearly outlined on the leaves. Remy's heart beat fast as Scott looked around cautiously, then sped off somewhere, still on the trail of vengeance. _(VENGEANCE!)_ Remy breathed a sigh of relief.

He crept out from behind the plants, making his way in the opposite direction, his legs pumping fast to bring him as far as possible from the revenge-hungry horse.

After a while of stumbling through another patch of forest and tripping on several sneaky tree roots, he came upon an astonishing sight; a majestic waterfall, a glorious cascade of pouring water.

No, that wasn't the astonishing sight he saw. The real shocker was a huge stone tower in the middle of nowhere. Ivy was creeping up its edges, and it looked rather old. It was incredibly tall however, and it appeared to be lacking a means of entry except for two boarded-up windows at the top of the structure.

Deciding to hide in it for a while, he climbed up the tower and forced his way through the flimsy pieces of wood blocking his entry.

He only had a second or two to take in his surroundings before feeling a heavy blow to his head; with a tiny 'eep' as the dull pain sank in, he collapsed on the floor.

* * *

Remy wasn't very happy with the somewhat mocking laughter that his 'eep' had induced.

* * *

Rogue tottered forward a few steps extremely and extensively carefully, frying pan at the ready. Pyro struck a fierce pose at the unconscious man on the floor, ready to defend his mistress.

* * *

'Oh how sweet,' said Wanda in a bored voice, examining her nails.

**Come on, Wands, you know you just ****_love _****Pyro as a chameleon. Aww he's so cute! I mean, look at that adorable little tail! Isn't he just- mfff**

'Silence is golden, duct tape is platinum,' Wanda smiled sagely.

* * *

'W-what is that… Thing?' hissed Rogue in horror.

* * *

Kurt pointed a triumphant finger at Remy. 'You see! Even my sister agrees that you are not the man for her!'

**Aw come on, I thought you'd gotten over your dislike of the guy your dear sister is necking with. **

'They're WHAT! Meine Schwester is WHAT! Gambit is WHAT!'

**He's going to be dead in a few minutes, if your furious expression and twitching eye are any indications. I suggest you run, thief...**

* * *

Pyro looked curiously at the stiff figure on the floor as Rogue poked it with her toe and leapt back. Nothing happened.

She was beginning to regain her courage, prodding the unconscious human. He didn't move, and she was convinced she was safe.

It was almost time for her mother's daily visit. Rogue had to hide her unexpected visitor before Raven arrived. Putting her long locks to use, she wrapped most of it around the guy's arm and dragged him to her closet, then unceremoniously kicked him in. Her satisfaction with a job well done went pop like a balloon when he fell out of the wooden chest, giving her one heck of a scare and resulting in Pyro scurrying across the floor to hide behind a vase.

* * *

The _real _Pyro snorted so hard the milk he'd stolen from someone's fridge squirted out his nose and caused quite a sight. The reason for his amusement was explained as such, 'Gambit, mate, ye be coming out of the closet! Geddit? _HAHAHAHA!'_

* * *

Huffing and puffing, she pushed him back into the wardrobe and slammed the door shut forcibly; she even jammed the handles with a chair just to make sure. When the door didn't rattle open, she began to breathe easier and Pyro slithered out from his safe nook.

Rogue opened the brown satchel that the stranger had dropped when she'd bashed his head in with her makeshift weapon. Inside was an object she'd never seen before, a pretty little thing that gleamed like the sun. She twirled it around her finger and hooked it around her waist; showing it off to Pyro for inspection. He shook his head sadly upon giving her a critical once-over. She held the curious object closer to her eye; the precious stones on it sparkled and shone.

Rogue pored over her new toy, finally deciding to place it on her head. Surprisingly, it fit her perfectly- almost like it had been forged for her, and her alone. Pyro gave her his seal of approval, flashing bright red and green and yellow. The chameleon even jumped up and down excitedly, turning all colours of the rainbow (and beyond).

Taking in her new appearance from the full-length mirror that she'd gotten as a Christmas present, she thought she looked pretty good. Her thoughts turned back to the person in her wardrobe, and a huge grin grew on her face.

'Oh yeah, who's weak and helpless now, mom?'

Then she had an idea.

A wonderful, amazing idea.

Since Raven thought she couldn't look after herself… Why not show her the 'evidence' in the wardrobe? Once Rogue had proved herself, she was sure that her mum would let her go.

It was her birthday, for God's sake. Her _eighteenth _birthday. Something as special as that only came once in a lifetime, and she hoped against hope that Raven would give her a break.

She heard the sound of Raven yelling for her from the bottom of the tower. Hurling her long hair over the edge, she pulled her mother up and the two embraced.

'Oh Roguey!' sang her mother cheerfully. 'I'm home, honey!'

* * *

**Mystique acting sugary and talking in a high-pitched voice? That's ready-to-go blackmail material!**

* * *

'And I brought you your favourite- hazelnut soup!'

'Thanks,' said Rogue quickly, rushing on, 'Mother- might I ask you something?'

'Do go on, dear.'

'I was wondering if… If I could, you know… I mean-'

'Talk properly, my dear girl. You're my daughter, and you shall do what I say.'

* * *

'I don't think so.' Rogue gritted her teeth.

* * *

It was frightening how her mother's tone of voice could morph into something else entirely in just a matter of seconds.

'Now, move over here and give me some of your hair. It's time!' she trilled.

Rogue's hair curled around Raven, she sang the healing song at bullet-like speed once through. 'Okay, I'm done! Now, I just wanted to know if I could leave on my birthday?'

Looking back at that moment, maybe it wasn't the correct phrasing to use.

Her mother froze in place; a chill spread throughout the room, and somehow, Rogue knew she'd done something very, very wrong.

'Why would you want to do that, my dear girl?' Raven asked in a voice that was as sweet as she was bitter. Rogue swallowed. This was her chance, and she was going all in on this one.

She pulled apart red satin curtains to reveal the tapestry she'd been painstakingly crafting for months. It depicted a blonde girl sitting on a riverbank, longingly staring up at the night sky where thousands of bright lanterns hovered. It had been her pet project for months, and she recalled spending almost every single one of her waking moments perfecting it.

Raven's eyes travelled across the silken material, unable to hide the cold fury in her expression. 'What is this?' she whispered softly, in her most dangerous voice.

* * *

**It's a _friggin' potato pie._**

* * *

In an effort to keep her spirits from sinking, Rogue smiled weakly and said, 'As you can see, mum-'

'I can see perfectly well, my dear girl, thank you very much,' Raven snapped while peering closely at Rogue's work. Her line of vision roved over the young lady at the mouth of the river, to the colorful lanterns in the sky, and her eyes clouded over, obviously remembering something important.

Then, Rogue froze in horror as Raven forcibly yanked the tapestry off the wall and threw it to the ground.

'How dare you disobey me like this! Have I not taught you to act like a decent young woman? Haven't I provided for you all these years, fed and clothed you, painstakingly taken care of you? And this is how you repay me! Very well, then, since you obviously think you know so much more than me, then perhaps you should start looking after yourself instead! Since you're so independent, eh?!'

* * *

The sight of Mystique hollering her lungs out was very funny. 'This is like one of those corny Korean dramas Jubes sometimes watches,' Rogue giggled. Yes, giggled. You heard that right. 'What are you going to do? Kick me out of the tower with a melodramatic '_Never come back, or else!'_ speech?'

* * *

The girl thought she felt water gathering in her eyes, as she shrank away from Raven's venom and backed herself up against a wall. It was her childhood all over again. Every time, she'd do her best to please her mother because she loved Raven- she truly did.

* * *

This sappy paragraph shut Rogue up and made her laughter change into a snarl Logan would have been proud of.

* * *

But no matter what she did, it would never be enough, and Raven would merely employ tactics to guilt her daughter into conceding the fight.

'Aww… Now _I'm _the bad guy,' Raven pouted, a cruel glint in her eyes.

Sometimes, Rogue wondered if she should just run away and leave all her misery behind. Then the docile side of her won out, and she stayed.

Raven cackled loudly, having correctly predicted that Rogue would again submit to her conditioning. 'Because mother always knows best, sweetie!'

_You want to go outside, oh_

_Why, Rogue?_

_Look at you, as fragile as a flower _

_Still a little sapling, just a sprout _

_You know why we stay up in this tower (I know but) _

_That's right, to keep you safe and sound, dear _

_Guess I always knew this day was coming _

_Knew that soon you'd want to leave the nest _

_Soon, but not yet (But)_

_Shh, trust me, pet _

_Mother knows best _

_Mother knows best _

_Listen to your mother _

_It's a scary world out there _

_Mother knows best!_

_One way or another _

_Something will go wrong, I swear _

_Ruffians, thugs _

_Poison ivy, quicksand _

_Cannibals and snakes, the plague (No) _

_Yes, (But) also large bugs _

_Men with pointy teeth and-_

_Stop, no more, you'll just upset me _

_Mother's right here _

_Mother will protect you _

_Darling, here's what I suggest _

_Skip the drama _

_Stay with mama _

_Mother knows best _

_Go ahead, get trampled by a rhino _

_Go ahead, get mugged and left for dead _

_Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know? _

_I only bathed and changed and nursed you _

_Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it _

_Let me die alone here, be my guest _

_When it's too late, you'll see, just wait _

_Mother knows best _

_Mother knows best _

_Take it from your mumsy_

_ On your own, you won't survive _

_Sloppy, under-dressed Immature, clumsy _

_Please, they'll eat you up alive! _

_Gullible, naïve, positively grubby_

_Ditzy and a bit, well, hmm, vague _

_Plus, I believe: gettin' kinda chubby _

_I'm just saying 'cause I love yooooooouuuuuu!_

_Mother understands _

_Mother's here to help you _

_All I have is one request, Rapunzel? (Yes?) _

_Don't ever ask to leave this tower again (Yes, mother) _

_Oh, I love you very much, dear (I love you more) _

_I love you most, hmm _

_Don't forget it _

_You'll regret it _

_Because… Mother knows best. _

* * *

**That was so attention-engaging I fell asleep...**

* * *

Rogue's head was lowered, deep in thought. Raven sidled up to her and gently cupped her face. 'You don't hate me, do you, darling?' she crooned. 'I hate fighting with you. It simply breaks my heart.'

* * *

**Sure thing. Whatever you say.**

* * *

Rogue nodded and smiled, giving it up. 'Good,' her mother said. 'Now, what do you _really _want for your birthday? Make sure it's a reasonable request this time, hon!'

It was over.

Her one chance at escape was gone.

Rogue's shoulders slumped, and she wasn't sure what to do now. For such a long time, leaving her lifelong 'home' had been one of her only goals, and now that her one opportunity was shot- what was she going to do?

'Could I-' she hesitated for a split second. 'Could I have some of the white paint you brought me before? The one made from those special white seashells?'

Exasperation crossed Raven's face. 'There's a reason they're _special, _precious. They're rare, and terribly hard to find.'

Rogue didn't think her spirits could sink any lower.

'It's a long trip there too- three whole days,' her mum added. 'But… At least it's better than encouraging your foolish dreams of flying lanterns and such nonsense. Very well, I shall do as you wish. I must leave now, there's an awful lot of preparation required for such a journey. Why, I must gather plenty of food and water. Oh well, anything to please my darling, even if it does half-kill me…' Rogue simply tuned out the rest of her mother's whining.

'Jeeze, boss, you're such a drama queen!' complained Pyro.

When Raven had waved good-bye and dropped down the rope of hair to the grass below, Rogue made sure her mother was truly gone before cautiously opening the wardrobe. Her victim's limp body fell to the floor with a heavy thud that sent her heart beating fast again.

She knew what she had to do. And, overprotective mum or not, she _would _achieve her dream to be set free.

* * *

**Constructive- that's the key word here- criticism will be much appreciated and I'll give you chocolate, to boot. BWAHAHA! ;3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The first thing Remy was aware of was the horrific throbbing in the back of his skull.

The second was that there was something wet and slimy in his ear, adding to his discomfort.

'Eurgh!' That was the exact same sound he made as he jumped and the odd thing stuck in his ear vanished.

There was something squeaking on his left shoulder; he turned, and jumped again when he saw a neon green chameleon staring at him. The bug seemed equally astonished and petrified by him, jumping straight off his body and huddling behind a nearby vase. If looks could kill, Remy would've been on fire.

* * *

'If only I could actually shoot flames from my eyes… Imagine! The many wonderful possibilities that would offer!' Pyro stared off dreamily into nothing as he fantasized about causing the whole world to erupt in flames and explode.

* * *

Meanwhile, Remy looked extremely grossed out by all of this.

He blearily opened his eyes, still hurting all over from his major fall.

'S-stay where you are,' came a voice from a dark corner.

'I'm not moving,' he replied dryly, and squinted at his assailant's location.

'Struggling- struggling is pointless. I know who you are, I know why you're here, and I'm- I'm not afraid of you!'

Despite her bravado, one could visibly see that she was frightened as she walked out into the light, frying pan in hand.

Remy thought he felt his mouth fell open as he stared at her. She was really, really pretty, with silky blonde hair and luminous green eyes.

'Huh?' Awestruck by her looks, he really couldn't think of anything else to say.

* * *

**And ****_this _****is why Tangled parodies are great for shipping your favourite couple… ^w^**

* * *

'Who are you and how did you find me?'

'I know neither not who you are nor how in the blazing hells I found you, but let me just take this opportunity to say, you're cute!' Remy put the charms on, giving the poor girl his best flirty look. 'How're you doing? The name's Remy LeBeau, and I have no idea who you are, but hi.'

* * *

While everyone else appeared to be highly amused, Rogue was not. 'Smooth talker, shut the hell up.'

* * *

'Who else knows my location?'

Jeez… Was she impervious to his charisma or what? Nevermind, he'd have her soon enough.

* * *

**You have no idea how wrong that sounds to my morbidly tainted brain.**

''Morbidly tainted',' said Rogue. 'Aspiring to be a poet?'

**I'd much rather write limericks about honey badgers ravaging Logan, or other fun subjects.**

* * *

Remy sighed. 'Alright, listen up, Blondie-'

'Rogue. It's Rogue. Remember that well.'

'Gesundheit. _Rogue, _here's the situation. I was gallivanting like the hero that I am through the forest, when I came across your… Tower, and- oh! Where's my satchel!'

Rogue smiled smugly. 'I've hidden it where you'll never be able to find it.'

Remy glanced around the room, his line of sight trained on a richly decorated pot. 'It's in there, isn't it.'

He regretted this when she conked him on the head with her frying pan immediately after; especially when he woke up with the damn lizard's/chameleon's tongue in his ear again. While frantically rubbing his ear on his shoulder, he asked in an annoyed voice, 'Would. You. Stop. That.'

'_Now _it's hidden where you'll never find it,' said Rogue, very pleased with herself.

'So, what do you want with my hair? To cut it, or to sell it?'

'What?! The only thing I want to do with your hair is to get out of it! Literally.'

* * *

'I wish you would do the same thing too,' Rogue said to Remy.

* * *

She looked amazed, to say the least.

'Wait… You don't want my hair?'

'Why on earth would I want your hair? Look, I was being chased, I found your tower, climbed up it, end of story.'

She scrutinized him carefully, pacing around the room.

'You're telling the truth.'

'Thanks, captain,' he intoned sarcastically as Pyro scampered up into his face again. He waved riotously at Rogue, trying to communicate something.

'Yes, I know, but what choice do I have?' she said to him. Addressing a still-struggling Remy now: 'Okay, Remy LeBeau, I am prepared to make you a deal.'

'What sort of deal?' He didn't trust strange girls who tied him up-

* * *

'I don't really mind if Roguey ties me up, though,' Remy said with a grin.

**You sick, sick man.**

* * *

-with their _hair _and had berserk mini komodo dragons as pets.

Rogue showed him her tapestry. 'Know what these are?'

'You mean the lanterns they light for the lost princess every year?'

'I knew they weren't stars!' she exclaimed triumphantly to herself. 'Remy, tomorrow night they light the lanterns. I want you to take me to see them and then bring me back here safely. Then and only then will I return you your precious satchel.'

'Oh, really?' He rolled his red eyes. 'Well, the kingdom and I aren't exactly the best of friends at the moment, so I won't be taking you anywhere.'

'Something brought you here,' she cut in with a serious expression. 'Fate, destiny…'

'A horse.'

* * *

'That squeaks,' Kurt chipped in.

* * *

'And so I have made the decision to trust you.'

'A horrible decision, really.'

* * *

Rogue declared loudly, 'Seconded!'

* * *

'But trust _me _when I tell you this: You can tear this tower apart brick by brick, but without my help, you'll never get your beloved satchel back.'

It was eerie how such a beautiful young woman could have such a threatening effect on him.

* * *

**Years of practice have helped to cultivate Rogue's death glare, I suppose.**

* * *

'Let me get this straight,' he said slowly, already turning the strange proposal over in his calculating mind. 'I take you to see those lanterns and I get my satchel back.'

'I promise that and when I make a promise, I never break it, ever.'

'…Okay. Well, I didn't really want to do this, but here comes the smoulder.'

Remy pouted his lips at Rogue in the faint hopes but getting through to her, but all it did was cause her to glare at him sternly while putting her hands on her hips in disapproval.

'This is kind of an off day for me,' he noted. 'It usually doesn't happen.'

* * *

Logan just smiled. 'Keep telling yourself that.'

* * *

While she continued to give him a stony look, he gave up and said in resignment, 'Fine, I'll take you to see the lights.'

'Really?! YAY!' she shrieked while running around her circular room, so caught up in joy that she didn't even notice when she knocked Remy over by accident. He smashed into the wooden floor headfirst with a pained groan.

'I think you broke my smoulder,' he called out, voice muffled.

* * *

**Such a grave, despair-inducing event! Let us all weep at the demise of the smoulder!**

* * *

Later on, the three of them carefully scaled down the wall of the turret. While Remy went down the traditional way-

* * *

**By that, I mean that he jumped off the column and put his life in the hands of fate. Of destiny. And possibly a horse as well.**

'One that squeaks,' Kurt chimed.

Scott's eye was twitching again.

* * *

-Rogue preferred to use her hair as a grappling hook and slowly but safely lower herself to the ground below.

Her toes brushed the unchecked grass; it was her first taste of nature and she was loving it. Rogue had never seen anything other than the inside of her prison, and this sudden freedom felt like paradise.

'WOOHOO!' she screamed as she ran through fields of fluffy dandelions and buttercups. The real trouble kicked in when the reality of the situation began to register in her mind.

It turned her into an emotional wreck. One moment, she was as happy as happy could be, leaping over rivers and playing tag with Pyro. The next, Remy would find her crying by a waterfall, lamenting about her sudden decision to abandon home.

'I can't believe I did this,' she whispered in a horrified tone as she stared blankly at a tree branch.

* * *

**''Me neither,' said the tree branch.'**

* * *

'I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS! GO ME!'

'Mother would be so furious…'

'That's okay though, right? What she doesn't know won't kill her…'

'Oh. My. Fudging. Gosh. This is going to kill her.'

* * *

'Three cheers for Raven's death!' Rogue held up her plastic cup of cordial.

* * *

'This is so fun!' Rogue shouted into the wind.

'I, am, a horrible daughter. I don't deserve to live and I am going back.'

'I, AM NEVER EVER EVER, GOING BACK!'

* * *

**The only real purpose that song of Ms Swift serves.**

* * *

'I, am also, a despicable human being.'

'Best day ever! Party rock!'

The last of the mood swings had her sobbing at the mouth of a stream.

Remy cleared his throat as he approached her cautiously. 'You know, I can't help but notice that you seem a little at war with yourself here. Now, I'm only picking up bits and pieces, of course. Overprotective mother, forbidden but oh-so-tempting road trip. I mean, this is serious stuff. But let me ease your conscience.'

* * *

'Watch out, kid,' Logan said. 'Slimy Cajun ain't one to be trusted.'

'You break my heart, _mon ami._'

'The only thing I'll be breaking is your neck.'

**How sweet… You can totally sense the bromance between these two, eh?**

* * *

'This is part of growing up. A little rebellion, a little adventure- that's all good. Healthy, even.'

'You think so?' asked Rogue, peering up at him.

'I know,' Remy chuckled, keeping the act up. 'You're way over-thinking this, trust me. Does your mother deserve it? No. Will this break her heart and crush her soul into itty bitty pieces? Duh. But you've just got to do it.'

'Break her heart?'

Remy plucked a grape off a nearby vine, saying, 'In half.'

'Crush her soul?'

He casually crushed the poor fruit. Juice splattered all over his palm while Rogue watched in horror and pitied the poor grape. 'Into itty bitty pieces- like a grape.'

* * *

**Argh! You fruit-killing murderer! I can never eat a grape again without thinking of your cruelty, Remy LeBeau!**

* * *

'You're right,' Rogue breathed, sitting down on a thick root. 'She would be heartbroken.'

While she hyperventilated over this sudden, brutal turn of events, Remy flicked Pyro off his shoulder.

* * *

'Oy, you don't have to do it so roughly, mate!' Pyro said sadly, also heartbroken.

* * *

'I am, ain't I? Oh, bother,' At this point, Remy sighed like the drama princess that he was. 'All right, then. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm letting you out of the deal. Let's turn around and go home, in peace. Here's your pan and your frog.'

He handed her back her possessions, ignoring the furious shade of red that Pyro had turned.

'I get back my satchel and you get back a mother-daughter relationship build on mutual trust, and voila, we part ways as unlikely friends.'

'No,' said Rogue stubbornly. 'I am seeing those lanterns, and nothing will stop me!'

'Oh, for the love of fluffy kittens and unicorns and sparks!'

* * *

'Wait, what? I can't believe you just said that!' Kitty cried, stunned.

'Wrong voice recording!' said a panicked Remy.

**Oopsie, I hit the wrong button. My mistake. Forgive me, Remy? ;3**

* * *

'Oh, for the love of God! What will it take for me to get my satchel back?'

Rogue narrowed her eyes and raised her frying pan again.

'I will use this.'

'Alright, alright, we're continuing with our deal!'

The two of them made their way deeper into the woods, with Remy assuring Rogue that he knew what he was doing.

'I know a great place, where all of your wishes will be granted and you will find true happiness.'

* * *

**Even Jamie could see through all of nonsense.**

* * *

Rogue just gave him a blank look, as if to say, _Are you freaking kidding me?_

Then they heard a suspicious, loud rustling sound from a nearby bush, and Rogue jumped straight into Remy's arms.

* * *

'You just can't seem to resist me, can you, chère?' he asked softly.

* * *

'Is it ruffians? Thugs? Have they come for me?'

A cute white rabbit poked its furry head out from the leaves and twigs.

'Stay calm,' said Remy. 'It can probably smell fear.'

'Argh!'

* * *

Meanwhile, Raven was sauntering through the forest as well, mentally calculating how much further it was to the beach where she could get those seashells. Along the way, she brushed past a white palace palomino, who was holding a _Wanted _poster in its mouth.

'Remy LeBeau,' she noted. Ah, yes, the notorious master thief.

Well, it shouldn't be much of a trifle to her. Another day, another scrappy criminal on the loose-

She stopped dead in her tracks and Scott gave her a queer look before continuing to track Remy's scent.

Wait a moment… If there was a felon on the loose in the area… And Scott was heading in the direction on the tower…

'Rogue!'

Upon a harried dash back to Rogue's cage, she screamed for the girl to let down her hair and pretty much _freaked out _when there was no response. Chucking her basket away, she ascended the tower herself by using the ivy vines as footholds.

The inside of the spire was empty and dark. 'Rogue? _Rogue!_' Nobody replied to her shouts, and as she was searching through Rogue's belongings, a glittering object fell out of a mysterious brown satchel…

'No!' she gasped. She knew that object well. If it was there, and Rogue wasn't (she'd been stolen away, perhaps?), Raven was most likely doomed.

'LEBEAU!' she roared in uncontainable anger, smashing the fragile accessory against a wall.

It refused to break, seeming to taunt her with its tenacity. It just wouldn't snap, no matter what she did.

Just like her daughter.

* * *

**You're giving ****_me _****the creeps, Raven, and that's saying something.**


End file.
